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penantes [userpic]

(no subject)

October 21st, 2006 (02:07 pm)
current mood: artistic

You scored as The Sprightly Elfin Femme. Cute and irresistible, you inspire and foster the little kid in everyone. Also, you make the best cookies and cutest knit hats.


The Sprightly Elfin Femme


The Surprise! Dyke


The Stud


The Student Dyke


The Femme Fatale


The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke


The Bohemian Dyke


The Hipster Dyke


The Pretty-Boi Dyke


The Granola Dyke


The Little-Boy Dyke


The Quasi-Gothic Femme


The Magic Earring Ken Dyke


What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.)
created with QuizFarm.com

penantes [userpic]

I guess I should check out the SE sometime....

October 5th, 2006 (07:39 pm)

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

penantes [userpic]

what was it I recieved?

September 11th, 2006 (01:57 pm)

current mood: surprised

Just had coffee with A, and as always she inspires me to connect with greif, and then challenge it, morph it, accept it and allow it to tell me its secrets.
On a day when so many people are acknowledging a national and for some a personal greif...I wonder if the real loss isn't something more profoundly human. Our ability to accept our diversity, a thing that alienates us from each other and causes us so much fear uncertainty, & anger. An alienation that separates us from divine and essential beauty. An alientation from the sheer blessing that it is a miracle we are here to exist at all in this moment...(even if its in pain)
Can our greif (humankinds') ever allow for us to embrace all of our own failings and honor our teeniest little place in the way of things?
I had a good Sunday. I spent it with K. She told me she had decided she couldn't further continue with her involvement (except as friends) with E. Of course that thrilled me. She explained she doesn't have the capacity to do another relationship...she isn't even out of this one. She still feels conflicted. The lost and depressed look in her eyes plunged me back into that feeling of limbo. I thought I had this all figured out. I thought I knew what was happenning.
We ate tamales at the Farmer market and went for a hike in the Columbia River Gorge. As we huffed and puffed a 60 degree grade up mossy rocks and wind blown trees, we relaxed again to where we could joke with one another as we usedto. The uncertainty of it all was like hanging onto a precipuce looking out over the Columbia. When we came home, I found myself talking about my own longing for affection. I have never in my life asked for sex, but I found myself saying I missed it. I couldn't imagine never having her touch that spot in me again that peels away the layers of conditioning...propriety..self hatred...hurt...and time.
I had never had a lover like her and I cried at the thought of never being able to access that part of me again. It always felt like art being created.
She either indulged me or felt sorry for me or wanted it as much as me. I found myself affirming before we even began that this physical act didn't change anything and we were still breaking up and that I would never ask for anything like this again.
She never responded one way or the other. Was it a favor? I didn't care. Another first.
It was exactly as I predicted it would be.
Its as if my inner mechanical parts become unglued. I think I am on a train smoothly on the tracks and suddenly I derail...and I am in a country and train track I have never seen or felt. Time stands still and yet I am moving along at a speed faster than light..beyond consciosuness and into some sort of unconscious dream world and utter anarchy. Why does sex with her do this to me?

So, now what? I am running errands today & trying to believe that living with uncertainty is all anyone can do on 9/11. Hoping that everyone who is feeling fear, nervousness,greif & metamorphosis can help each other, as its the only thing we have in common.

penantes [userpic]

What was it I lost?

August 28th, 2006 (01:07 pm)

current mood: contemplative

I spent the last 5 days at a Breitenbush Hotsprings Retreat with 100 other Queer and Queer friendly women. For those of you who have never been to Bretenbush it is a 154 acres of wildlife sanctuary in the Mount Hood Wilderness. There is a real timeless beauty there where you can reconnect with the natural world, and hopefully refresh the body & spirit. They have hot springs, both natural and man made, sauna, massage, various workshops, sweat lodge and vegetarian meals. Its a clothing optional center and for the purpose of this weekend, the cabins were closed to outsiders and men.

I spent alot of time hiking, but joined several workshops and of course hot tubbed and enjoyed the sauna.
Upon registering after entering, I was handed a banana dental damn and told it would be wise to be discreet.
I was assigned a cabin, and told I already had a "roomate". Upon entering the cabin, I found the woman in bed, and she explained she had a migraine and was trying to sleep it off. So much for the excitement of recieving the dental damn, my already potential bedmate had a headache! "Are you single?", she asked. I got a good look at her at that time..she wasn't someone I could sleep with. How can you know that in an instant? I can't tell you...but in the 3 seconds it took for her to ask that...I had already undressed her see her in various postions and it wasn't anything that looked plausible in my life. "I am alone here, yes", I responded & I placed my belongings on the other bed and left the cabin.
The first night was spent trying to acclimate my city body to the sights and sounds of the forest and 100 scantilly clad women.
There were all types of women there. Queer, Butch Femme, Andro, Hippie, Closeted professionals, old, young (18 was the youngest and 84 was the oldest), Black, White, East Indian, Hispanic, Mixed race, Jewish, Pagan, Christian, Athiest, and Hindu. I could not quite get my bearings even as dinner was announced and we filed into the lodge where tables were set up inside and out. I clung to the my friends as we took our buffet dinner to an outside table.
The first night with my new roomate was pleasant enough...she told me she was there to find a new girlfriend and I encouraged her to really look around. Ha! She talked in her sleep, and although I couldn't make out anything she said by morning I hadn't slept well and decided to ask for my own cabin.
Because everything is done for you, and the worries of every day life ebb away as the hours go by...the subtlety of life start to be recognized. It felt like my senses were slowly coming back to me. I couldn't remember the last time I was with other women, and felt as if the sensualness of life was made paramount. I forget to see this. I really long for it in my life.
Perhaps it because its the first thing to go when your relationship feels hard. It feels like one of the easiest things to give up wanting when you don't know how to go about having it, too.
One of the mornings, some of the butches brought their archery up to the strawberry meadow and practiced. I was going on a hike by myself and saw them. It felt like one of those visions you see out of a greek story book. It made me laugh...when would I ever see that in Portland?
On another evening, I was in one of the meadow hotspring tubs and several of us were discussing the dragonflies who were flirting with us in the water. There was an entomologist there ,and as she chatted on about the short life cycle of the dragon flies and mayflies, a woman slid her hand over my thighs and onto my back. I looked at her. She just smiled. It all felt very dream like.
I hiked that afternoon alone (shirtless) for the first time in years. A few miles from the lodge itself, I sat down and heard only the insects, as the forest was so still and darkened by the old growth. As I sat on a bed of needles a shower of pinecones hit me and more needles. I looked up and could see nothing as the trees stretched hundreds of feet up. I could hear rustling and then more pinecones and needles. I had this fear in the pit of my stomach...and envisioned a bear. What was I supposed to do again if you meet a bear in the woods? I sat still. The raining of debris continued until finally I could hear something edging its way down. It took almost 2 minutes but finally I could see it...it was a tiny squirrel! It scolded me and grabbed 3 of the pinecones, which made its little head sag from the weight. Lesson number 1. Everything is so much larger in the imagination.
There is a real savoring of life that occurs in me when I am in nature. I forget how it restores me and helps me remember the simplicity of chosing the essential from the nonessential.

There was a talent/no talent show on one of the evenings and anyone could sign up. The highlight for me was when 7 of the women (yes they were all femme) did a veil dance for the audience. It wasn't so much belly dancing as a dance of the feminine...I felt very affirmed in watching it. Maybe it was due to my deflated ego of being a rejected lover...maybe I just needed to see pretty women who knew how to move their hips. Maybe it was seeing the whole audience transfixed on each woman, as she used her veil in a hypnotic beat. There was a moment when the 84 year old took off her veil and swung it around one of the younger women, as if in some passing off ritual and everyone started clapping. What is it about ritual that people need so desperately? Why was I clapping too?
I won't deny I enjoyed some of the ritual provided, even though I had no interest in any divine presence other than getting in touch with my own soul.
One of the women I had coffee with one morning joked at how at a recent circle in which someone thanked the "goddess" she felt it was very nonconsenual. She was an old school butch, and a math teacher who had no time for discussions about the spirituality. We discussed string theory and the expansiveness of the milkyway and the universe. I marveled at the fact that I must have seen a dozen shooting stars every evening.

If I had wanted sex, I am sure I could have found it. I had not even thought about it until I was handed the dental dam at registration. A few people asked me for my email address. It felt more important for me to look for my lost bits than add anything to the already chaos of my being. My ex said during our break up, what I really needed was to find my inner pig, to be the better lover. For a long time, I thought about how I would try to find such a long lost part of myself. This weekend however made me realize, unlike her...its not my inner sexual pig that has been lost. It has been the sensual nature of my world. Somehow some of my power is connected to that...my creativity..my life force...my happiness.

I think my broken heart was stopping me from allowing me to explore that fully this weekend. Maybe my brokenheartedness stops me from fully having that be a part of my life all the time.
The older you get, and the more wounded we all get, it seems imperative we find ways to heal, so we can not get so disconnected that our souls cannot find their ways home. How do women find their sensual selves? Do they need a partner?
I went to a worshop called "Erdu", a sort of combination of Yoga and dance. It was exhausting and and fun, and got me back into my "power" body again, after months of feeling like I have been disconnected due to my pain from the break up, and K's depression and my recent surgery. As I lifted my arms in a pose that looked alot like a slow motion grade B karate flick...I felt my center harden and I could feel myself smiling. It feels so rare sometimes to feel strong, and happy at the same time.

There were two women completely independent of each other who made their way to Breitenbush who were not part of this group. One German woman backpacking the Lewis & Clark trail on her own appeared out of nowhere one night and asked if she could stay. She sat in the hot tub and chatted about her 30 mile a day trip, and how thankful she was to have a warm meal and soak. She had lost 25% of her body weight doing this trek, and she was already very thin. I asked her why she was doing it, later and she said, "because I needed to see if I could."

The other was a suburban housewife who had heard about Breitenbush and always wanted to stay and visit. I think she really had no clue to the diversity around her, but she was warmly embraced and participated in a sweatlodge complete with passing of tobacco and fasting, by one of the First Nations women attending.
We all speculated whether she would spend the night alone. The next morning, she cried as she packed her things...and said she never had felt so warmly about any group of women! A nice butch carried her things to her car for her. Did she realize she was surrounded by lesbians?
It was like a parallel universe in which I was blind to the beauty and sensuality around me, as she was blind when she asked if this was a "church group?"

Writing these things down sounds like some sort fantasy book. What just happenned these last few days? What was it that I went there for? Why did I dream about men the second night and women the third? What was it about being reconnected to my sensual nature, that excited me?
Where does my power lie?
What kind of residual gift can I hold with me so that the world won't harden me again?

penantes [userpic]

well I will be damned!

August 28th, 2006 (08:17 am)

current mood: cheerful


You Are Smokin' Hot

You're a terrible flirt, a sharp dresser, and a party animal.
Of course, you're totally sizzling too. And for you, being hot just comes naturally.

penantes [userpic]

(no subject)

August 17th, 2006 (08:11 am)

current mood: frustrated

well, after finding myself confronted (again) with an lover that has cheated...I am at a loss. What the hell? I must exude the karma, eh?

I introduced them for gods sake! I could feel it in the pit of mys stomach when I did too. But I couldn't help myself. I kept saying..."trust K".

So my jealousy got the better of me this weekend. I think its the way K acts when we are at home. She primps in the bathroom. I haven't seen that behavior in years. I can't even put my finger on it, other than I can feel that she is "interested" in someone else. I mean we know each other pretty well, after 6 years.
It was hard to confront her about her buying a new cock. I "KNEW" it wasn't for me. She lied at first and said she hadn't but when I said the GoodVibes website which I recently visited, had our order history listing a newly ordered member...I was confused. Thats when she decided to come clean. It put me in a tail spin.
I dunno why. I already could feel it, it wasn't as if it was news.
After she drove over to E's I drove over there. What was I gonna do? I have no idea. Maybe just drive by.
But I saw the sprinkler going in the front yard and couldn't help but think it would be incredibly perfect to put it on the front stoop so that when she opened the front door to go back to her car in the driveway, she would get a good soaking. I planted the sprinkler and walked back to the car, but she must have seen me and opened the door, just as I stepped back into the car. Wham! right on her! I won't say it was mature of me. I won't say it was the best judgment. In hindsight, it probably made matters worse, but in that split second when she got wet, it made all the sense in the world. Childish? yes...but then nobody's property was damaged and nobody was hurt.
Of course K was furious, but didn't tell me so until yesterday. She said she feels unsafe now, and she doesn't know how battered women live with their spouses...
That one took me by surprise. I then felt obligated to apologize and promise never to pull any pranks again, or go to E's. After we talked, she admitted I had never done anything to make her feel battered, however she is dealing with unresolved abuse form her childhood and its coming up now. Things felt better between us...still icky, but cleaner.
I guess I could say the same for myself. If I look back on the first time I felt intense rage & jealousy...it was when my father was kicked out of the house for abusing me and he took a new lover, one of his undergraduate students just a few years older than me. I was at a loss then. Furious at my mother for kicking him out, furious at the new girlfriend, and furious at my dad for abandoning me. Knowing my jealousy comes from that...can I change it? I have worked through years of childhood abuse therapy...been to a survivors group...made peace with my past. I hardly ever think about that anymore in my life...and yet there is this unresolved piece. Guess I am still a work in progress, eh?
Filling out that questionnaire earlier made me realize how much crap I did at 14. That was the tumultuous year.

penantes [userpic]

(no subject)

August 17th, 2006 (08:02 am)

current mood: thoughtful

Fell in love: 22
Lost your virginity: 12
Lost someone close to you: 14
Drank alcohol: 14
Smoked: Never
Got your heart broken: 14
Got arrested: Never
Broken a bone: 14
Got cheated on: at 30,37, & last month (is it a trend?)
Rode the city bus: 8
Went to a concert: 12
Met someone famous: 19 (Jane Goodall)
Dyed your hair: 16
Got your first cell phone: Don't own one
Got a Myspace: no
Snuck out of the house: 14
Got your own digital camera: never
First time you got drunk: 14
Read Harry Potter: hmmm, do I really want to admit that?
Travelled across the ocean: 2
Wore a toga: Never
Travelled out of state/country: too many to count
Shopped at Abercrombie/M&S: never
Went to Disney World: never
Saw a Broadway/West End play: never

Link Leave a comment Add to Memories

penantes [userpic]

(no subject)

August 10th, 2006 (07:19 pm)

My friends invited me to post an obit...this did make me laugh...

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

penantes [userpic]

Moving On

August 10th, 2006 (06:47 am)

The last few days have seemed like an eternity of hell. I finally got enough courage up to ask K if she was sleeping with E, as her behavior in the last few weeks whenever she went to be with her was if she was getting ready for a date. Changing her clothes ...meticulous about her hair and always bringing her a gift...food etc.
She admitted they hadn't slept together but they have discussed it & want to. My intuition on stuff like that is insane making. Its hard to live with your ex while they begin to be enamored, with someone new. I was hurt by the fact that I consider E an friend and since she and K have been spending so much time together my friend E pulled away and ...hasn't even returned phone calls or emails. I decided to write her and tell her how I felt and tell how I the "honor among femmes" felt broken. WOW, what a response I got. E explained I wasn't really a friend...really more of an acquaintance. And since she hadn't slept with my ex yet, what was wrong with them finding each other in this sea of chaos? I wonder if she really believes that the butch femme dance is only consummated by having sex? Maybe flirting, talking about having sex, and ordering a new cock to use doesn't constitute crossing the line. I was even more shocked when she went on to say when you take your lover for granted for years you shouldn't be too surprised they want to leave. Ouch! With friends like this, who needs enemas? I suppose I opened the door for it but I didn't think she would deny any of it. I honestly thought she would just say she was sorry.
I felt so stupid having told my friends and family this whole time what a hard time my ex, K was going through. I defended her behavior, when friends said she wasn't emotionally available and capable of a long term relationship, I jumped in and said "she is just going through a hard time...a midlife crisis...depression...it takes 2 people to fuck up a relationship. I never blamed any of the problems we had on either one of us. Now I know she has been whining this whole time to my friend E, about how I wasn't there for her, taking her for granted and god knows what else. I told K I was surprised she would do that, and her reply was that she felt it was ok to do that. This is not the K I knew. Well, if she wants me to tell the truth about all the shit she has put me through...so be it ..I certainly will.
I drove by E's house last night. I just needed to get my bearings on this whole thing. Her garbage was piled up high in lots of bags against the garage. The place just looked trashed. I wonder if thats because she doesn't care or she just can't get to it.
Anger & hurt is a funny thing...it twists and turns and you never know where it will end up. I remember feelings of this kind of hurt with Ariel and it lasted for years. I can feel this inside me hardening, like a bit of calcium in water. I can't be friends with K anymore, she isn't even acting like the person I once loved. My friends say she has moved on both physically and emotionally...and I can see it now.
I want K and E to hurt as much as I do. I suppose thats normal. But they don't ...K has created a diversion with E so she doesn't have to feel that pain. After seeing her smoke pot again I realized she is only stepping backwards not forwards into the life she has stated she wants. Thats so sad. I wanted so much for her, and I can see she just has a real self motivating problem.
And what do I want? Its time to refocus and make sure I am taking care of me. I called the morgtage broker...it time to get K out of the house so I can move on with my life. It will be sad to not have Janet around anymore. I know she will suffer more than anyone, as Simon has lots of canine buddies he can play with. Deb even said he can stay at her house as much as he wants...even overnight. Janet is like a microcosm if K. She is a control freak with only a handful of friends and she rarely likes others. With Janets age at 9 years old, I suppose this will be her last year. I think she will die soon, its just my weird intuition.
Do I have contact with K after she moves out? I doubt that would be a good idea. Especially after she begins fucking E. I think it would be too hard. It took me 6 years before I spoke to Renee after our break up and 2 more years to actually be friends. I guess it just takes me a long long time to forgive people.

penantes [userpic]

Wishing I had more of a backbone

August 3rd, 2006 (09:52 am)

Yesterday, I actually longed to come home, after work. I knew K would be home, and she actually had dinner waiting for me I got there. It was like our old routine. I loved when she cooked for me. We sat on her bed and watched television and ate, and giggled about our day. The previous night I came home to find she had smoked a bowl. I thought she had quit, but a friend gave her some. I was horrorified, as thats what dealt her such a huge blow with her depression in the first place but I kept my mouth shut. Then she was so stoned she laughed at every little thing I did or said. Of course that made me laugh, and before long we both were practically on the kitchen floor in hysterics. I miss loving her. I miss laughing with her. Sometimes I feel like I have no backbone to separate from her. I still long for her to touch me all the time.
I had breakfast with a friend of mine last Monday, and she asked the time honored question..."what do you still love about her?" (Full knowing K hasn't been able to offer much in the relationship for the last 2 years due to her depression) I found myself describing the person I used to know in alot of ways...does she still exist? Am I that pathetic that I have hung onto the old K, and wish for the way it was? Why can't I fully let go? Living with your ex, in a 800 square foot house might have a little something to do with it.
Sometimes at night, I lay in my bed and I can hear her breathing softly in her bed, asleep. Its terrible but I find it a comfort.
Today, will hopefully be easier as I will probably work late and not see her most of the weekend.