Lordy, has it really been 6 months since I have been here? I was using LJ intially to deal with K and my transition, and obviously things have shifted and as I look over the old entries I am tempted to just delete them, as I feel like a different person in so many ways. I will ruminate on this, and see if I can muster enough interest in blogging again. I am still interested in doing more graphic novel/cartooning about my moms life as well working on geneology research through the recent DNA work on the genome project.
I have been more and more frustrated/bored with the "fluff" on Butch-Femme.com and know I am easily sucked into drama (I was here too) and wonder if having an open LJ like I do, creates more of that.
I have been enamored with my artist friends lives more recently, and spending time with them...I love good influences.How do they manage their art and their work lives and have the time?
I added a few friends from BF recently, if you don't know who I am and you are reading this...it's Bijoux.
I spent the last week, at the beach house in Rockaway, for my birthday. I have missed the beach, and since I haven't been there in over a year I wanted to treat myself. I had hoped K would come with me but she couldn't get off work, so I invited my friend D and her hubby and their dogs. I figured how can you not be entertained with 4 dogs at the beach? I took my car in to be sure it would make it, and it turned out needing 650.00 worth of work. (It was acting weirdly) And then I packed! I didn't bother buying a birthday cake, hoping to have D whip something up with me that day. The day I was supposed to leave, D called...they both were sick & couldn't go. I was sad but hey! I rented a beach house ...how much of a bummer would a week off be with my lovable pooch? No computer, no phone (Renee loaned me her cell phone in an emergency but I had no cell phone access out there anyway).
The weather was lovely. Warm and sunny, even though PDX I heard was rainy. The morning of my birthday I made a great cup of coffee, walked with Simon out to the beach, throwing sticks and rocks for him to chase, and hear the surf. It was quiet, but I really needed to feel unconditional love for the day and I did. No cake, no singing, no remarks about how aging feels like its getting the better of me. No reminders of how my lover no longer finds me attractive. Nothing but the sun and ocean and a big 90 pound grinning bear of dog, who kept running up to me with something covered in sand with a grin on his face like "this is heaven".
A few times I felt sorry for myself. A few times I watched the news on TV and heard of national stories about women/girls being abducted/killed/abused and I doubled checked the locks and put another log on the fire. A few times I wished I had a lover in my bed instead of a snoring sandy canine. But for the most part, I felt good. I felt like I was creating what I needed and wanted and not waiting for someone else to make me happy. I think thats the best present I could ever get.
One afternoon (not my birthday) I got a knock on the door. I opened it and it was K. She said she left work and drove right from PDX to bring me dinner.We ate fish and chips, walked on the beach and then she drove home as she had to work in the morning. It was very sweet. (of course I cried as we hugged when she said goodbye) I always feel like I want more from her when we are together. Later, I realized how touched I was that she went to all that trouble.
On the way home, just as I hit the tunnel coming in from Hwy 26...my car died.
It was scary. It wasn't in a place I could get out of the car. I was grateful I had been given that emergency cell phone and called Triple A. ODOT came just as I decided to get out of the car since several people almost hit me. My dog was frantic, as the noise was deafening in there. I was really scared, but I didn't realize it until I finally lifted the dog into the semi-trailer and sat breathing heavily as I waited for the car to be lifted onto the ramp and locked into place. My heart was beating out of my chest. The traffic was absolutely horrendous on the Twilliger curves, and if ODOT hadn't arrived I would be one smashed pancake. It took 45 minutes to get out of the situation and into the triple A vehicle with my dog. My mechanic just called & said my timing belt broke and it also broke my fan. 700.00 more in work. I don't have it but I will do something I don't normally do anymore...put it on a credit card. I have no debt. I have worked hard to not do credit...my credit rating is 820 the highest its ever been. It's been hard to not get depressed about this. I want so much to remain optimistic about my life, my choices, my adventures. I hope this next year brings me more joy. If I had a cake that would be my wish.
Seems like I rarely get a chance to post anymore. I have so much going on. A friend called a week ago and wanted to go to dinner and I had to put her off for a week as things were just too hectic. She said "what the f***? What do you do when you are not at work?" So, I got irritated, but then I thought about it...where does the time go?
Yesterday was a good example of how I didn't get half of the things done I wanted to get done. I slept in (my treat on Sundays) and was reading the paper and having my coffee when A called and was having an emergency. L's niece died and had to fly out immediately and needed someone to take the little sparky dog to the kennel out on Sauvies. So I got dressed and asked K if she would come with me, surprisingly she said sure. So off we go on this errand which ended up taking almost 3 hours (I ended up buying k a latte for her expert driving). Then came home to start 4 loads of laundry, dishes, walking dogs, and general home stuff. I went grocery shopping (I hate that on Sundays as the store is always packed) and K was kind enough to put up those basement lights and caulk the kitchen sink. She was in a good mood yesterday. Even chased me around and tickled me like she used to do. She is studying more as the algebra is harder, and I don't see her as much during the week between work and school. She is reaching out to me a little more...touching my back and cuddling up to me when watching TV. Its been nice. I won't make assumptions about what that might mean. She is back on effexor which didn't work for her for last two years, and I have grave doubts it will help her long term. Last week she told her therapist she wanted to take a break. I worry she will never return and do the real work she needs to do.
I am skeptical about a lot that her therapist does with her. Giving K the "The Secret" to watch, which has such a strong spiritual message (even though K was receptive to it) makes me judge her credentials, and philosophy. But hey, its not me that's seeing her. I just want K to be able to move in a direction that makes her happy. She has such a hard time making any sort of commitments (even to herself). I wish I could wholeheartedly believe in such ideas, as you create your own reality with your thoughts. but the idea that your thoughts have made you create illness in your body and can erase it, give me huge pause. I like the idea that positive thought (versus negative thought) can help you and your attitude about life and I have been trying to use those ideas daily since watching the video with K. Maybe I need it more than her? *laughing* Always a skeptic!
I started cross stitching. Making subversive cross stitch has been ultimate fun, so yesterday I started on a new one for D. It says * What the hell kinda hell! * and has dreamy flowery border...she will love it...as she says that saying all the time.
So last night after falling into bed, I realized my "to do" list was only half done and so today...I will definitely make a dent in my list today...
I called out today, since we got 4 inches of snow. The little stray kitties are all in our basement (4) and the other kitties are asleep on the beds. Some how it feels so good to be able to offer them this. The dogs on the other hand of gone in and out playing in the snow and then flopping down exhausted from it every other hour. K left the thermostat on 72 so its been going full blast when she left for work at 4:30am. She is stuck in downtown though and I wonder how she will get home, as there is no bus service out here now.
I heard this commotion outside on the front porch just a minute ago. Like birds going crazy. I looked out the front window and saw the food dishes of dry food for the strays being covered by starlings. There must have been 30-40 birds on the porch eating the catfood! I wondered why in the last few days those bowls were constantly empty. They were splashing and drinkign out of the water dish too...too cute.
There has been a thread on B/F that I had been following for a couple of weeks. It was facinating, upsetting and exciting. The thread discussed building bridges between the trans and nontrans communty. I found myself getting agitated and defensive on the thread...and then getting hugely depressed over not being heard or understood. I finally had to take a step away from it, when I realized I was crying in my car over feeling like nobody understood what I was trying express. I was feeling attacked and called transphobic for attending women only space that didn't allow pre-op transwomen. I tried to explain why it was important for me to spend 3 days somewhere with other women who were raised as female who had been physically abused as kids, and not see a penis...
I am willing to own that needing that experience might translate to being transphobic but how in the world can we get beyond it, unless we talk about it without confrontation? I hate getting defensive because then I just shut down.
I wish I had sometimes a better way to articulate my feelings. When discussing theory..it's so cut and dried but when emotions and something nontangible in terms of exerience comes into play, I feel like I stumble around like a drunk.
I know , I know...the road is paved with good intentions.
K and I go up and down. There are more days than not where we just seem to be good friends in our separate bedrooms and living our separate lives, and then times when we "slip up" and say very intimate things that only lovers say or do things that lovers do and I slide back into no-womans land. Last night I was recounting how a friend bought her lover a walker as her lover hurt her knee...her lover refused to use it as it "made her look old". It became a huge issue for them, so much that my friend had to put said walker in the back of her car so her lover didn't have to "see it". K said "you will probably do that to me when I am 70, huh?" I looked at her...and in my head thought, "will be be together at 70?" I said I will, you are right, and I laughed.
Are we broken up? Are we done? What are we?
I cry when I even contemplate Valentines Day this year.
And my fibroids are back. Plus now I have polyps and cysts on my ovaries. I started writing in this journal as a means to deal with my own fear of surgery and health concerns. Now it appears the surgery was for nothing. Doc suggests hysterectomy, possibly with ovaries...I want to keep everything still...I am now leaning towards naturopathy, and hopign a chnage in my diet and exercising will help.
Time to enjoy the snow again...and try to not be so serious...
I had hoped that by the time I wrote in here again I would have good things to report about K & I but its been a bumpy ride.
I wouldn't say its been a complete loss of dedicated hard work as we puzzle through what we have of a relationship...but we haven't had sex and K still remains aloof about her feelings and says her loss of attraction hasn't changed. She goes through bouts of terrible grumpiness and depression where it appears she "hates" everyone. Then she has a day of sweetness and affection, and we are able to connect. This last week she got her period after 3 months of PMS, and she was so much nicer to be around. I can't help but think some of what she is experiencing is chemical.
Or am I just making excuses for the painful feeling of being rejected?
I am such a sucker for her holding me and telling me she loves me...it's like being told "everything is going to be alright" when I am in her arms.
We went to go see the play, "I am my own Wife", yesterday, at the Portland Center Stage. Its the true story of Charlotte Von Mahlsdorf, a transvestite who survived Nazi Germany & the communists in East Germany after the war. It was brilliant and sad and I couldn't help but feel frustrated by the characters' ability to "slip through the cracks" when my own relatives perished. How could I wish that? And another part of me cheered when I felt "one of my own survived" too. She collected antique furniture. Furniture left abandoned when Jews were rounded up and deported or killed. She saved pieces of peoples lives that witnessed the horrors of their lives disintegrating.
Tonight, we watched the movie "Everything is Illuminated", with Elijah Wood. It is about a young man's journey to Europe to find the woman who saved his grandfathers' life during WW2, so he could understand his grandfather & his Jewish heritage. It was so moving I came home and lit the Hannukah candles and said a prayer. I could feel K watching me, as I did it. I don't believe in God. I don't know why I own a menorah or a mezzuzah. What would someone collect from my house if I was deported? How would I be remembered? Am I Jewish enough to call myself a Jew?
Sometimes I feel so alien in this world. Is that what its supposed to feel like?
Sometimes I wonder if K understands.I have never had a lover understand.