current mood: thoughtful
I spent the last week, at the beach house in Rockaway, for my birthday. I have missed the beach, and since I haven't been there in over a year I wanted to treat myself. I had hoped K would come with me but she couldn't get off work, so I invited my friend D and her hubby and their dogs. I figured how can you not be entertained with 4 dogs at the beach? I took my car in to be sure it would make it, and it turned out needing 650.00 worth of work. (It was acting weirdly) And then I packed! I didn't bother buying a birthday cake, hoping to have D whip something up with me that day. The day I was supposed to leave, D called...they both were sick & couldn't go. I was sad but hey! I rented a beach house ...how much of a bummer would a week off be with my lovable pooch? No computer, no phone (Renee loaned me her cell phone in an emergency but I had no cell phone access out there anyway).
The weather was lovely. Warm and sunny, even though PDX I heard was rainy. The morning of my birthday I made a great cup of coffee, walked with Simon out to the beach, throwing sticks and rocks for him to chase, and hear the surf. It was quiet, but I really needed to feel unconditional love for the day and I did. No cake, no singing, no remarks about how aging feels like its getting the better of me. No reminders of how my lover no longer finds me attractive. Nothing but the sun and ocean and a big 90 pound grinning bear of dog, who kept running up to me with something covered in sand with a grin on his face like "this is heaven".
A few times I felt sorry for myself. A few times I watched the news on TV and heard of national stories about women/girls being abducted/killed/abused and I doubled checked the locks and put another log on the fire. A few times I wished I had a lover in my bed instead of a snoring sandy canine. But for the most part, I felt good. I felt like I was creating what I needed and wanted and not waiting for someone else to make me happy. I think thats the best present I could ever get.
One afternoon (not my birthday) I got a knock on the door. I opened it and it was K. She said she left work and drove right from PDX to bring me dinner.We ate fish and chips, walked on the beach and then she drove home as she had to work in the morning. It was very sweet. (of course I cried as we hugged when she said goodbye) I always feel like I want more from her when we are together. Later, I realized how touched I was that she went to all that trouble.
On the way home, just as I hit the tunnel coming in from Hwy 26...my car died.
It was scary. It wasn't in a place I could get out of the car. I was grateful I had been given that emergency cell phone and called Triple A. ODOT came just as I decided to get out of the car since several people almost hit me. My dog was frantic, as the noise was deafening in there. I was really scared, but I didn't realize it until I finally lifted the dog into the semi-trailer and sat breathing heavily as I waited for the car to be lifted onto the ramp and locked into place. My heart was beating out of my chest. The traffic was absolutely horrendous on the Twilliger curves, and if ODOT hadn't arrived I would be one smashed pancake. It took 45 minutes to get out of the situation and into the triple A vehicle with my dog. My mechanic just called & said my timing belt broke and it also broke my fan. 700.00 more in work. I don't have it but I will do something I don't normally do anymore...put it on a credit card. I have no debt. I have worked hard to not do credit...my credit rating is 820 the highest its ever been. It's been hard to not get depressed about this. I want so much to remain optimistic about my life, my choices, my adventures. I hope this next year brings me more joy. If I had a cake that would be my wish.