current mood: contemplative
I called out today, since we got 4 inches of snow. The little stray kitties are all in our basement (4) and the other kitties are asleep on the beds. Some how it feels so good to be able to offer them this. The dogs on the other hand of gone in and out playing in the snow and then flopping down exhausted from it every other hour. K left the thermostat on 72 so its been going full blast when she left for work at 4:30am. She is stuck in downtown though and I wonder how she will get home, as there is no bus service out here now.
I heard this commotion outside on the front porch just a minute ago. Like birds going crazy. I looked out the front window and saw the food dishes of dry food for the strays being covered by starlings. There must have been 30-40 birds on the porch eating the catfood! I wondered why in the last few days those bowls were constantly empty. They were splashing and drinkign out of the water dish too...too cute.
There has been a thread on B/F that I had been following for a couple of weeks. It was facinating, upsetting and exciting. The thread discussed building bridges between the trans and nontrans communty. I found myself getting agitated and defensive on the thread...and then getting hugely depressed over not being heard or understood. I finally had to take a step away from it, when I realized I was crying in my car over feeling like nobody understood what I was trying express. I was feeling attacked and called transphobic for attending women only space that didn't allow pre-op transwomen. I tried to explain why it was important for me to spend 3 days somewhere with other women who were raised as female who had been physically abused as kids, and not see a penis...
I am willing to own that needing that experience might translate to being transphobic but how in the world can we get beyond it, unless we talk about it without confrontation? I hate getting defensive because then I just shut down.
I wish I had sometimes a better way to articulate my feelings. When discussing theory..it's so cut and dried but when emotions and something nontangible in terms of exerience comes into play, I feel like I stumble around like a drunk.
I know , I know...the road is paved with good intentions.
K and I go up and down. There are more days than not where we just seem to be good friends in our separate bedrooms and living our separate lives, and then times when we "slip up" and say very intimate things that only lovers say or do things that lovers do and I slide back into no-womans land. Last night I was recounting how a friend bought her lover a walker as her lover hurt her knee...her lover refused to use it as it "made her look old". It became a huge issue for them, so much that my friend had to put said walker in the back of her car so her lover didn't have to "see it". K said "you will probably do that to me when I am 70, huh?" I looked at her...and in my head thought, "will be be together at 70?" I said I will, you are right, and I laughed.
Are we broken up? Are we done? What are we?
I cry when I even contemplate Valentines Day this year.
And my fibroids are back. Plus now I have polyps and cysts on my ovaries. I started writing in this journal as a means to deal with my own fear of surgery and health concerns. Now it appears the surgery was for nothing. Doc suggests hysterectomy, possibly with ovaries...I want to keep everything still...I am now leaning towards naturopathy, and hopign a chnage in my diet and exercising will help.
Time to enjoy the snow again...and try to not be so serious...