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December 18th, 2006 (09:41 pm)

current mood: cynical

I had hoped that by the time I wrote in here again I would have good things to report about K & I but its been a bumpy ride.
I wouldn't say its been a complete loss of dedicated hard work as we puzzle through what we have of a relationship...but we haven't had sex and K still remains aloof about her feelings and says her loss of attraction hasn't changed. She goes through bouts of terrible grumpiness and depression where it appears she "hates" everyone. Then she has a day of sweetness and affection, and we are able to connect. This last week she got her period after 3 months of PMS, and she was so much nicer to be around. I can't help but think some of what she is experiencing is chemical.
Or am I just making excuses for the painful feeling of being rejected?
I am such a sucker for her holding me and telling me she loves me...it's like being told "everything is going to be alright" when I am in her arms.

We went to go see the play, "I am my own Wife", yesterday, at the Portland Center Stage. Its the true story of Charlotte Von Mahlsdorf, a transvestite who survived Nazi Germany & the communists in East Germany after the war. It was brilliant and sad and I couldn't help but feel frustrated by the characters' ability to "slip through the cracks" when my own relatives perished. How could I wish that? And another part of me cheered when I felt "one of my own survived" too. She collected antique furniture. Furniture left abandoned when Jews were rounded up and deported or killed. She saved pieces of peoples lives that witnessed the horrors of their lives disintegrating.
Tonight, we watched the movie "Everything is Illuminated", with Elijah Wood. It is about a young man's journey to Europe to find the woman who saved his grandfathers' life during WW2, so he could understand his grandfather & his Jewish heritage. It was so moving I came home and lit the Hannukah candles and said a prayer. I could feel K watching me, as I did it. I don't believe in God. I don't know why I own a menorah or a mezzuzah. What would someone collect from my house if I was deported? How would I be remembered? Am I Jewish enough to call myself a Jew?
Sometimes I feel so alien in this world. Is that what its supposed to feel like?
Sometimes I wonder if K understands.I have never had a lover understand.